Writing

Existing Gently

I know, I know. It’s so much easier to be hard on yourself, right? To grind yourself right down until you surface as some kind of rusting deep-sea vessel with only enough power to keep the cooling fans circling. But don’t. And I know that’s easy to say: but don’t, because you are so, so precious. And the world wants you here, and that’s not to say that it expects you, because you are precious; so nothing really should be expected of you.

Of course your goal is important; look how hard you work for it. But your health is always your priority, yes? Nothing – no one – comes before your health. And no, that isn’t selfish (and if it is then that’s okay). I know; I know your goal is important. But you are important.

I mean, of course there are bigger things in the world and out of it than you, but why should that make you any less significant? I mean, cut flowers and stars are precious because they cannot last.

Be gentle, friend, because the world loves you. And don’t tell me it doesn’t, because the world is unfathomably big, and I love you, and you should never underestimate love. And don’t say you don’t deserve it, because life isn’t about deserving things.

Don’t be mad at yourself. Mistakes are a sign that you are learning, and that you care. And caring is life itself, you know. But do give yourself time and space to grieve, when you want to, and not just when you need to. You realise how healthy crying is, yes? Crying is just like laughing. Let it be like that. Or if you don’t cry then that’s okay too. Just be gentle.

It’s also okay, too, if sometimes you need to be that kind of small quiet. But no part of you is ever a waste of space. Remember, life is not about worth. It’s okay if you have thoughts, or urges. Don’t be upset with yourself. You work so hard; you care so much; you are so loved: you are so important. Forgive yourself, maybe even laugh a little at your funny brain; your silly chemicals: it’ll be okay.

So exist gently:

Live gently. Be gentle to others; always, always.  You don’t know how others live, but you know how you do. They’re doing their best, whatever their best is then and there. And so are you! Be gentle to them, to yourself.

I know it’s so, so awfully hard.

I love you!

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Writing

So how should I presume?

When I know that what I’m feeling is most likely a product of being tired. When I want to hurt my friends!! When I want to hurt myself, so I hurt my friends. Because I am insecure, and I’m insecure so I need to know who will stick by me at my worst – but I invent my worst. Because I want to hurt myself, but I am empty and the only thing left that will hurt me is my friends’ hurt.

I know myself too well to know that I’m in control always, always: I know that every self-manifestation is by my conscious choice; that everything I choose to manifest is for attention. Even wearing The Mask is a choice.

And how should I presume?

And how should I then presume?

Writing

Consumed.

When there isn’t Time there is Limbo. And there is nothing there, but Loud and Quiet: And the thinnest of needles prick the hard-worn, calloused places; and the jagged blade barely marks the most sensitive.

You wonder when Time will return, even though with it comes The Avalanche. The Avalanche, and then the silence after.

And The Birds are closer than they’ve ever been, but not this time not this time not this time you don’t let yourself.

You can’t let yourself, although you haven’t yet decided whether it’s because you care, or you feel guilty. But they do it to you, no? They do it, and it hurts it hurts and you become The Bird make it stop and you want them to hurt but they already do of course but you want them to hurt it hurts it hurts

I am more and less of a child than I want to be. And Time coming is an inevitability. And the Limbo, this time, has Consumed me.

Writing

Determinist

Poetry is only ever about:

  1. single mothering;
  2. nature;
  3. sex;
  4. longing; or
  5. their absence.

 

A guy on the train asked for my number and I said

” !

no

i have dogs”

 

I am either

achingly, anxiously

unfashionably

on time: or late.

 

i’m late, and

humans are like trees:

old and new; big and small;

green, and mum

told dad she could stop caring about him.

 

Apparently French car windscreen wipers beat iambically,

and sometimes i get times

when there’s only the road

Writing

love is love

I remember that around this time last year I was desperately searching for labels that I could relate with. I think everyone does it during their teeny years. You’re suddenly dumped out of the safety of being a child, but you aren’t defined enough to be an adult. And suddenly you’re aware of the people around you! And your body! It’s a bamboozling time for the best of us.

I think back last year my preoccupation was a label for my sexuality, because I was out of school and 18 and meeting people and meeting boys and non-binary people and meeting people who had values that aligned more closely with mine.

I remember being incredibly excited and relieved when I found the label ‘Pansexual’. Finally something I related to; something I felt like could describe how I felt. Pansexuality to me is essentially being sexually attracted to people in a way that isn’t primarily determined by their sexual anatomy and/or gender. It was a revelation!

I told my brother and my close friends all on that day, and then my uncle (really the only close member of my extended family; like, he’s been my emergency contact for everything since I was born, and he’s my godfather. Also he happens to be gay), and then finally my parents. I was scared to tell my parents, actually. I think because you hear all those horror stories with parents, and because mum is pretty conservative and has said some dodgy things over the years about gay people, and dad would definitely have told mum if I told him.

But eventually one night I told them while they were working out something with the home loan, so they didn’t really pay attention. I’d spent about 2 months deliberating over telling them, and working it up in my head, so when they sort of didn’t react at all I was kind of upset. I guess I secretly sort of wanted to be able to relate with people who had hard ‘coming out’ experiences, but I couldn’t. But also I was very excited about it, and it felt like a Big Life Thing and it was like they were a bit ambivalent. Actually dad said something about girls having closer boundaries in their relationships with friends, so it was probably just excess emotional energy from the excitement of making a new friend in Courtney. It kind of turned out to be true in that case, but it still ticked me off a bit.

Mum still says dodgy things, but she’s really made an effort to understand, which I think is really important. Sometimes she still still says things like “he decided to be gay” or “when you became gay” or things like that, but I’ve realised that it isn’t in a malicious way. I think it’s easy for us to forget that some people haven’t grow up having any alternative to heterosexuality (and it might not even be that that was because they were in a homophobic environment), so they just genuinely don’t understand. And in that case, forgive them, I think.

Like, pretty recently actually mum asked my brother whether he felt uncomfy around gay men. To be fair, we were talking about how it’s awkward when you don’t know quite whether someone likes you in a romantic and/or sexual way. But she asked because she wants to understand, and I respect that, and I forgive her (it’s still something I have to do consciously, though).

I moved to ‘Panromantic’ pretty quickly, because I realised that I actually hadn’t really felt any physical and/or sexual attraction towards anyone. And that’s perfectly okay. A bit awkward sometimes, and I have yet to meet someone with whom there is common attraction that isn’t looking for a sexual and/or physical relationship. But some day it will happen!

The equal marriage plebiscite has made me consider my attachment to organised religion. I think I want out, honestly. I always thought I’d be able to just kind of ignore the people in the same denomination who have views I disagree with. But I think I can’t really. I mean, the Anglican diocese gave $1 mill. to the ‘no’ campaign, and our rector supports this. And those people were producing some really disgusting things about something that is biologically coded in us, and that money should have gone to something where it could have helped people in need, rather than some dumb campaign. And I can’t stand by that, but do I have to reconsider my personal religious beliefs because some of the people I share a label with are bigots?

I still haven’t decided, and in the meantime there are way more people who’d be hurt if I said I didn’t want to be a Christian than not.

In terms of the labels, I’ve decided that I’m just going to be me, and not worry anymore about what/where I am. It is very nice and such a privilege to be content enough with myself to be able to make a decision like that. I’m proud of myself! It’s so strange and so wonderful and I only want it to continue! I’m still learning – I hope I will never stop learning. I am so many good things: we all are! I love you!

 

Writing

Investments

This month I am celebrating a year with my beloved Redback boots, which for me signifies my decision that things are worth investing in, because life is worth investing in. So around this time last year I bought a $180 pair of shoes and I still wear them every day and I haven’t looked back since (in the shoe department, at least).

Do you need to be infatuated with someone to want to be in a sexual relationship? I’ve had my fair share of crushes, but never needed them in that way that I think only physical and/or sexual attraction demands. I mean, I’m asking because there’s a boy at uni who likes me and I get the sense that he’s attracted to me physically and I find that scary because:

  1. I cannot empathise with him, and I cannot trust him
  2. I don’t know if I am reciprocating feelings because I’m trying to empathise and/or trying to milk emotional validation from him
  3. I am scared of physical and/or sexual intimacy
  4. I am scared that I will realise down the line that I’ve led him on

The Gardens are full of couples and I wonder if they’re physical/sexual and whether they think similar things and whether they ever ask each other what the other sees in them and how can they stand the physical proximity of it? I mean, because I’d always be asking it.

And isn’t it unfair to tell someone that you won’t be able to trust them completely because you doubt their emotions and your brain keeps telling you that they have ulterior motives/they have physical and/or sexual expectations of you/they will hurt you?

And what lie have I presented, that has attracted him (and all the others in the past) to me?

We’re going to the vegan markets tomorrow, and I really am genuinely looking forward to it. But what will happen when he starts wanting more physical/sexual things? I mean, maybe he doesn’t feel those things either, but everyone does so I doubt it. (Am I only not feeling sexual/physical attraction towards people because I haven’t met the ‘right’ person?) The last time I was in this situation was ice-cream boy, and he said I’d led him on, and it was awful for him I guess but for me because it brought back the whole Maya Incident. Is it really my fault if I just enjoy and seek out human interaction and see it as human interaction when he sees it as flirting? That’s just him being infatuated with me, right?

All I want is for people to be more in control of themselves, but in the way that I want them to be.

I hope I’m not wandering into narcissism because recently I’ve been feeling like the whole world is just made up of different versions of me in different situations and I’m so aware of how people think and feel and I feel like all my interactions with people are me manipulating them and holy hell, I need to get out of my own head.